Consumer Protection Rackets (CPR) are the Shortpacked! store's "product protection program", invented by Galasso as a way to extort more money from customers. In the store's darkest days, CPRs were literally the only thing keeping it afloat. Buy one, or else.

At the height of the CPR craze, the best sellers were Mike Warner, followed by Ronald Reagan, Conquest, Robin DeSanto, Faz, and Ethan Siegal. Amber O'Malley was not mentioned. Ethan has occasionally been motivated by Galasso to buy CPRs himself to reach his mandatory quota.

Conquest has used sex to sell CPRs in the past. Mike tends to use threats and insults. Ronnie, being the great communicator, presumably uses the Star Wars defense. If Ethan even tries to sell one, he begins to weep. Leslie Bean wasn't a fan, either.

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