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Galasso is a highly eccentric megalomaniac in Shortpacked! and Dumbing of Age. Some might argue his villainy and flair for dramatics are wildly inappropriate for a small business owner, but don't tell him that to his face: a man who would weaponize hamsters and bring back historically correct Jesus is capable of anything.

Shortpacked!Edit

Galasso
Galasso
First Appearance: Shortpacked! 17 January 2005
Affiliations: Shortpacked
Spouse: Pamela Galasso (wife, deceased)
Children: Conquest (daughter)

Galasso seems to believe that he is actually the despot of a ruthless fascist organization. Sure, many would say managing a retail store isn’t too different, but–

Well, okay. It’s really the same thing.

HistoryEdit

Galasso's background is largely complete cipher. What is known is that his wife, Pamela, died of a terminal illness many years before the start of the series, leaving him to raise his daughter Conquest alone.

Following his wife's death, Galasso eventually made good on his promise to "find a way to return mortals from the grave".[1] The first known product of his research was Ronald Reagan, resurrected as a retail employee after Galasso heard that "bringing back anything from the '80s is money in the bank". He later revived Jeshua Ben Joseph, AKA Jesus Christ, and may have also been responsible for Mike Warner's return to life.

In 1982, he founded the Shortpacked! toy store, riding the craze for Cabbage Patch Dolls to financial success. But over time, Shortpacked! faced stiff competition from Wal*Mart, Target, and Toys "R" Us due to the large chains' ability to leverage economies of scale. In order to compete, Galasso eventually introduced the concept of Customer Protection Rackets (CPRs) to increase profits, inspired by witnessing Mike extort money from Amber O'Malley. He quickly began basing his personnel decisions around the number of CPRs sold by each employee, leading to the firing of Sydney Yus and Faz being brought on as a full-time employee.

This wasn't the only dirty tactic Galasso employed; at one point, he hired Geoffrey Nicholson to drum up public outcry over toys, figuring the controversy would actually lead to a surge in demand. He also cashed in on hysteria over the so-called "War on Christmas" by using explicitly Christian signs and images in-store; Faz, presumably under Galasso's instruction, claims that Jesus sacrificed himself so the customer could get a deal on Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

Above all, however, Galasso was obsessed with the idea of producing an heir to his toy store dynasty, and all but threw his daughter at any "suitor" that he believed worthy of furthering his legacy. Among them was Ethan Siegal, who was able to wrangle a promotion by sleeping with Conquest. Encouraged by this, Galasso penned a religious tract called the Tome of the Ages that cast Ethan as the savior of retail, largely in an attempt to force Toys "R" Us to bend to his will.

This lasted until Ethan realized he was gay, at which point he began avoiding Conquest. Galasso responded by firing him and revising the Apocrypha of Faz into the Gospel of Faz to help cover for the problems in his plan caused by Ethan leaving. After Faz made unauthorized "new revelations" involving Amber, Galasso confronted Faz, only to be attacked by Ninja Rick. Galasso responded by revealing that he'd grown bored of his plot and no longer needed the Tome because he'd already bought Toys "Я" Us for a nickel.

Around this time, Conquest finally left her father, tired of sleeping with 30 strangers a day to produce Galasso's long-awaited heir. She subsequently went onto become a businesswoman in her own right, eventually acquiring every independent toy store on the south side of town.

After the economic downturn led to a drastic slump in customers on Black Friday, Galasso fired the entire staff. This sparked a coup d'etat that left him imprisoned in the stockroom and Ethan in charge of the store. For the first several months, things ran smoothly, but after the employees turned on each other, Galasso was able to escape from confinement with a little accidental help from Ultra Car. He later claimed he could have escaped anytime he wanted to, and merely sat around drinking his own urine to lull his employees into a false sense of security. Or something.

While his former peons (save Faz) languished in unemployment, Galasso began the process of rebuilding the store. It was at this point that Leslie - newly empowered by Robin's willingness to commit to a relationship with her - suggested turning Shortpacked! into a pop culture megastore, a suggestion that convinced Galasso to re-hire his mutinous employees. Unfortunately, he put Faz in change of designing the new logo.

TriviaEdit

Dumbing of AgeEdit

Galasso
Galasso sp
First Appearance: Dumbing of Age 4 February 2011
Spouse: Pamela Galasso (wife)
Children: Conquest (daughter)

Galasso is the proprietor of Galasso's Pizza (and Subs), a restaurant near the IU campus that's surprisingly popular given its owner's somewhat... unconventional attitude towards customer service. Their pizza is apparently the best in the state.

TriviaEdit

  • Galasso's pizza place is based on iconic IU hangout Mother Bear's, which was also referenced in Roomies! with Papa Bruin's. An IDS newspaper clipping reveals that Galasso actually took over the original Mother Bear's.
  • He does not seem to want his daughter to go to college.
  • He took the name "Galasso" upon marrying Pamela, as it was her surname.
  • His birth name is unknown.

ReferenceEdit

  1. "Prologue", 8 February 2013. {{{3}}}.

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